Narwhal Party


How To Live Forever (In Five Easy Steps)
01/18/2010, 11:01 am
Filed under: Advice, Words | Tags: , , ,

THIS IS HOW TO LIVE FOREVER IN FIVE EASY STEPS.

STEP ONE: DEFIANCE
Stand up against time. Your watch is not the boss of you. Put duct tape over the face of your LCD alarm clock (painter’s tape leaves no residue, which you are well aware of—no cheating). Try leaving your calendar on January this year. Don’t cross any days off. All the time you sternly defy will begin to add up. Trust me.

STEP TWO: ASPARAGUS
Many people avoid this vegetable without fully considering its mystical properties. Embrace the possibilities. Popular in ancient Egypt, you know there’s some crazy stuff going on with it. Side affects include: stinky pee.

STEP THREE: GIN
[Self-explanatory]

STEP FOUR: CONSERVATION
It’s a scientific fact that human beings begin life with a limited number of blinks, bites, and push-ups. As often as possible, swallow your food whole, compete in staring contests, and avoid push-ups at all cost.

STEP FIVE: REDUCE STRESS
This may include reverting to a rotary phone, wearing home-made blinders when in public (focus!), limiting your diet to raw potatoes (in addition to the asparagus), limiting physical exercise to a medicine ball routine or that machine that shakes your stomach until the fat goes away. Also, get massages. All kinds of massages.

Many will ask, “How do I know if it’s working?” To that base inquiry, I simply reply, “How do you know it isn’t?” Think on that. Go on, you have a lot of free time now.

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1 Comment so far
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Just when I thought 2010 couldnt get any better. Now I will be able to live forever AND finally have a reason to eat all the potatoes I impusivly bought that are on top of my refridgerator. Thank you!

Comment by Brad




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